How to Deal With a Family Member With Anger Issues

How to Stay In is a series about redefining "normal" life in order to take care of ourselves and one another during the COVID-19 pandemic.

There'due south a lot to be angry near correct at present. For starters, there's government incompetence and flat-out lying to the American people. If that'south non plenty, you lot've also got anti-abortion activists who run into an opportunity, terrible rich people, protestors who care more about their lawn than human being lives, more than rich people, people who can't seem to figure out how social distancing works, and folks—once again, rich, huh, how weird!—who made the sick-advised option to flee their metropolis and so have the gall to write ho-hum essays defending their behavior.

I don't know virtually you, merely since this pandemic began, I've often felt like I could simply outburst into flames. It feels unproductive and distracting and shameful, and I'd similar it to stop—or to know if what I'm feeling (and how I'm processing those feelings) could be broadly considered "proficient" or "healthy."

If you experience like you're existing at a constant simmer or even a total boil, here's what to do with that energy.

Know that it's OK to experience angry—now and e'er.

Even though your anger probably doesn't feel expert, it'south too not inherently bad. "Acrimony is not destructive in and of itself," Andrea Bonior, a therapist and writer of the upcoming book Detox Your Thoughts, told VICE. "It's when we fast forward and don't take a pause and we act destructively on information technology that information technology does impairment both to ourselves and to others." (More on that in a moment.)

Bonior said it'southward important to retrieve that you're immune to feel angry even if you've got it relatively good right now. "People think that being grateful for the fact that it's non worse ways that they're supposed to hibernate those uncomfortable emotions," she said. "Just the opposite is truthful. It's about going all in and actually experiencing the total range of human life rather than just saying, 'Well, these emotions aren't acceptable.'"

Figuring out what'due south at the root of your anger can help you process information technology.

"I would suspect that for a lot of people, acrimony is kind of secondary to the fear that they're feeling," therapist Ryan Howes told VICE. He used the example of someone swerving into your lane while you're driving. "What happens get-go is I feel agape—Oh, crap, that guy'due south gonna hit me or I'm going to hit him. But then my immediate response after that is anger. You lot know, You son of a bowwow, get off the road, that sort of thing." Howes said that anger often kicks in because it allows united states of america to feel powerful or indignant instead of agape.

Bonior said that anger and anxiety are related in another mode—both involve nervous system arousal. "Nosotros are, correct at present, just chronically living under threat; fifty-fifty the smallest decisions that normally we would take for granted at present feel very threatening," she said. "We're likewise just more irritable because well-nigh of us are in situations where we're stifled, nosotros mayhap experience trapped, we're not able to actually do what we desire to do."

Sadness, another emotion that tin can exit u.s. feeling vulnerable, might also exist the reason you're extra aroused these days. If y'all're feeling sad that yous lost your job, or that thousands of people have died, it makes sense that seeing yet another irresponsible and completely batshit White House press briefing would exit you feeling even more powerless—and brand yous desire to scream.

It's important to find some way to address your feelings that doesn't involve screaming at every unmasked stranger you run across.

Zeroing in on the fact that you're really just feeling scared or sad right now is a nifty start, but tin can likewise exit you sort of similar, Cool…. and so…. now…. what????

The primary thing to know is that you shouldn't try to button these negative feelings away. "If yous're sad, feel sad; cry, let it out, journal it out, or talk to somebody… or sit in a nighttime room and feel lamentable," Howes said. "That'south the way that we actually heal and motion on. That'southward what grief and sadness is really about. Not almost medicating it or, or pushing it away, or trying to put on a happy face up."

"If you're feeling fear, and then admit that," he connected. "Accept that, Yes, I do feel afraid, information technology makes sense to be agape right at present—a lot of people are afraid and that's OK."

If you tin can't cease ruminating on the affair you're pissed about or yous're having trouble snapping back, Howes said that moving your body in some way will probably assist.

"[Anger] is just energy yous need to kind of expel somehow," he said. He recommended things like exercising, listening to hard stone music, dancing angrily, painting an angry motion-picture show, and writing an aroused poem.

"Get your exercise, talk to your congressman, any," he said. "Just do those knowing that you lot're doing them because they're only good for yous."

I asked Howes if rage cleaning—my go-to move—is just a way of avoiding my feelings, and he said information technology's not, nor are his other suggestions. "You're non pushing [feelings] away. Yous're expressing them," he said. He fifty-fifty encouraged people to think about their rage as they exercise chores or piece of work out. "Tell yourself, I can't believe you're such idiots. Get that off your chest as you're doing the concrete stuff and it will provide some relief. And that helps your brain come up back online to be able to think, OK, what do I really desire to do about this?"

Learn to recognize the difference between managing your anger and only numbing yourself.

Sometimes, self-soothing can slide into not engaging with your negative feelings in a meaningful style. "What yous need to pay attention to is how you feel after," Bonior said. If yous genuinely experience improve and more equipped to deal with whatever prepare you off, that'south a skillful sign, she said. But if you end up feeling less capable afterward—considering, say, you're hungover or y'all've spent a ton of money that you don't take on things you lot didn't demand—and now demand to do something else to take the edge off those consequences, Bonior said that could mean you lot were really only numbing yourself. At that betoken, information technology might be fourth dimension to work on simply existence present with your uncomfortable feelings.

If you haaaate letting yourself feel sadness or fear, build upwards your tolerance in small doses.

Bonior said to first from the belief that every emotion is OK. "Even if it doesn't feel good, it'south not going to inherently harm us," she said. "So it's a affair of accepting a broader range of a human experience and realizing, I could step abroad from this, I could hibernate from this, just ultimately, that'due south exactly what makes emotions more uncomfortable—considering nosotros don't learn to actually navigate them."

From there, make a point to sit down with your sadness or fear for a few minutes before you start furiously blistering an apple pie. "Maybe yous say, OK, boredom is actually difficult for me, or Uncertainty is very difficult for me… so I'm going to prepare a timer for 5 minutes. I'm not going to escape and I'm not going to numb myself," Bonior said. "And just for five minutes, I've congenital that musculus a little bit. It made me better able to handle it."

Know that beingness direct with people about your feelings is OK too.

Neither Howes nor Bonior would sanction going off on, say, the couple of strangers who are pulling down their masks then they can make out in front of your mailbox. OK, fine, understood. But both said that being—respectfully—honest with your friends and family about your feelings regarding their behavior is off-white game. If yous're pissed at your sibling who fled the metropolis and now wants to come dorsum or a housemate who has demonstrated little interest in washing their hands after using the bath, saying null tin breed resentment or cause you to explode after on. And then don't experience like you lot have to bite your tongue… but likewise maybe don't become into the chat guns blazing.

"Information technology might work amend to wait at it in terms of fright," Howes said, "and say, 'Hey, it makes me really scared that you're non following social distancing orders,' or 'When y'all're out hither and you lot're not wearing a mask, information technology makes me really concerned that you're non being protected.' I think yous're going to just brand enemies if y'all're like, 'Hey, idiots, put a frickin' mask on.'"

Do your best to go on venting in check.

Shouting about how pissed you lot are often feels keen. It'southward also a necessary office of processing experiences, so yous shouldn't give it up entirely. "When you're venting, you're getting the emotional energy out of the way so so you lot can get to a problem solving mode and start to effigy out, OK, what am I going to do with this? What am I going to do adjacent?" Howes said.

The trouble is that venting endlessly can be exhausting for you and for the person you're talking to; it can also trick y'all into thinking you're doing something near the state of affairs when you aren't actually. So exist conscious of how much yous're whipping yourself upwards about the same issues. Howes said that ane round of venting is usually plenty. "When people start to go around for round two, kind of rehashing the same story, and then you lot know, OK, perchance this is non really helping if we're simply going to kind of take another lap around the same track," he said.

Larn to recognize when your anger is becoming toxic.

Even though information technology'southward not wrong to feel angry, it's a good thought to go on an heart on whether these feelings are starting to accept a major touch on your life. Bonior said that even though our lives are strange right now, nosotros all take basic goals—e.chiliad., eating, sleeping, and having positive conversations with coworkers and loved ones. "If your anger is intruding upon that to the point where your human relationship is getting wrecked, or you're raging at people in the store, or you're ruining your friendships, or you're unable to sleep at night, or y'all don't even experience like eating," she said, that'due south a sign that you might need some additional support with coping. That could look similar enlisting some help from your loved ones, talking to your healthcare provider about being screened for depression, or making an appointment with a therapist (many of whom are accepting new patients remotely).

Going forrard, as aroused moments ascend, try to address any physical furnishings first thing.

Do you have an overwhelming urge to pummel the guy who just ripped a huge, uncovered sneeze at the grocery store? If so, yous're non alone. "All of usa take some way of property anger in our bodies," Bonior said. "Does your heart charge per unit go upwardly? Do you see your jaw get very tight? Do y'all clamp your fists, do you lot experience hot all over, do you want to stamp your anxiety?"

"This is why people explode," she said. "This is why people practise things that they're not proud of—why they punch a wall or unleash on somebody they beloved—because that physical arousal gets the best of them."

Bonior said the first thing to practise when you feel your blood start to boil is interruption and effort to counteract the physical aspects of anger. She suggested trying deep animate techniques to dull your heart rate; neck rolls to release tension; and lying down with your feet elevated to relax your entire torso. Things like counting to 10 tin can feel a bit giddy in the moment, but they are classics for a reason—they work.

If yous do accident upward at someone, apologize—and be sure to forgive yourself, too.

Look, communicating how pissed off y'all are in an, uh, unproductive way is going to happen from time to time. If you regret going HAM, tell them that. "I want to repent for calling you an inconsiderate backer slice of shit afterward you beat me at Monopoly before. I'm actually worried most coin correct at present, but that has nil to practice with you lot. I hope you know how much I capeesh the fact that yous've been playing board games with me every night since I got laid off. I really lost my absurd and I'm sorry."

And once yous've fabricated amends, try non to ruminate on how badly you messed up. Instead, Howes said to recollect about what lesson this experience has taught yous, promise yourself that you won't let information technology happen once again, and work on forgiving yourself and moving on. "All that in-focused anger does is drain your energy and tin brand you depressed, and then then you're going to function even worse," he said.

"We have to be compassionate with ourselves to empathise that we're not going to be peradventure as patient every bit we usually would, and it doesn't mean we're a bad person, just information technology means that we are nether crisis weather condition," she said.

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Rachel Wilkerson Miller is the author of The Fine art of Showing Up: How to Exist In that location for Yourself and Your People , coming May 2020. Follow her on Twitter.

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Source: https://www.vice.com/en/article/qjdgn3/coronavirus-pandemic-how-to-deal-with-anger

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